Stepping outside of my comfort zone is something I’ve always hated. If something feels unfamiliar or unpredictable, my fight-or-flight response kicks in, and everything immediately feels too much. As someone with both autism and ADHD, my nervous system is constantly on edge. I’m always scanning for threats, even when there aren’t any. It’s actually the reason I quit a previous job I otherwise enjoyed. I was dealing with a large number of clients daily, and just receiving emails from them triggered deep anxiety, because I’d already imagined conflict where there was none.
Couple that constant fight-or-flight with autism’s good friend, rejection sensitive dysphoria (which I’ll write more about in a future blog because it’s such a huge part of my life), and you’ve got someone so overwhelmed by the fear of getting things wrong, or even just being perceived, that they’ll avoid anything that doesn’t feel familiar. And, if I’m being honest, that’s how I’ve lived for most of my life.
But more recently, I’ve been trying something new. Instead of avoiding fear, I’m learning to sit with it. Rather than dodging situations I know could benefit me, I’m learning to feel the fear and show up anyway.
This has been especially true for college. If you’ve read my blog about how studying counselling changed the way I see empathy, you’ll know my course has taught me a lot. But despite thriving on the academic side, I’ve always shied away from practising my practical skills because of the overwhelming fear of getting it wrong… or worse, failing.
Each week, I’m battling with that inner voice that says, “I really don’t want to go to college today,” tempting me to stay home and avoid the whole thing. But with just a few weeks left on the course, and all my assignments submitted, I know I’m so close to the end. The one mountain I still have to climb is my skills assessment. I know I’ll eventually have to face it because I genuinely want to pass and, finances allowing, progress to the next level. But that fear has been getting in the way.
That said, I’ve started pushing myself in other areas, and I think it’s having a bit of a knock-on effect. When I first decided to go freelance, I was getting a decent amount of proofreading work. But even though I could have taken on writing projects too, I refused to even consider them. They involved interviewing clients, and the idea of that filled me with dread. I was so scared of doing a bad job or just not being liked that I turned down work I desperately needed.
Recently, though, with proofreading jobs drying up, I’ve been offered several writing-based projects that involve more client interaction. These roles pay well, but each one comes with a catch: I have to interview the client for anywhere from two to six hours. The old me would have turned these jobs down in a heartbeat, but something in me this time (probably the stress of how sporadic work has been, to be honest!) pushed me to say yes.
And I’m honestly so glad I did. I’ve had the chance to speak to some incredible people and work on projects that genuinely matter. One client is creating a book to celebrate a huge milestone for a school in Africa, while another is finally telling the story of the abuse they suffered at the hands of their parents. These are big stories, and I feel lucky to be trusted with them.
That doesn’t mean the fear is gone. I’m still filled with anxiety before every call. I still sit there with my heart racing as I wait for the Zoom link to load. But once the conversation starts, things begin to flow, and it all feels a little bit easier. I find myself genuinely interested in what people have to say. And that’s made a huge difference.
It might not seem like a big deal to other people, but putting myself out there like this has been a huge achievement for me. There’s actually a lot of crossover between practising counselling skills and interviewing clients to write their stories, too. I’m using active listening, and I’m empathising with people from all walks of life, some of whom have views that completely differ from my own. I’m still absolutely terrified of taking my skills assessment in the coming weeks, don’t get me wrong. That fear hasn’t magically gone away. But showing up for these conversations has reminded me that I can do hard things. That fear doesn’t have to be the thing that stops me.
Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned lately, it’s that fear and growth often come as a pair. And even though it’s uncomfortable, I’m learning to sit with that discomfort. To feel the fear and keep showing up anyway. And that, for me, is something to be proud of.